Last 15 Posts to the Jokes Forums http://www.teamster.net Sun, 01 Jan 2012 13:23:47 +0000 30 http://www.teamster.net/topic/58150-a-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-his-pet-monkey/
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."]]> Sun, 01 Jan 2012 13:23:47 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/58150-a-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-his-pet-monkey/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/58133-the-management-race/
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.]]> Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:52:45 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/58133-the-management-race/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/58003-the-divorce-lawyer/
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".


------------------------


Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.


"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"]]> Sat, 03 Dec 2011 18:30:43 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/58003-the-divorce-lawyer/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57978-potentially-and-realistically/
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"




The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future republican."






After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"]]> Tue, 29 Nov 2011 10:30:48 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57978-potentially-and-realistically/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57976-christmas-lights/ they remind me of politicians.
They all hang together,
half of them don't work,
and the ones that do
... aren't that bright.]]> Tue, 29 Nov 2011 03:23:25 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57976-christmas-lights/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57864-the-workout/




The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"]]> Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:48:40 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57864-the-workout/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57800-cop-a-red-light/
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.The tirade goes on without the police officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an as**ole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for as**ole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.]]> Sun, 06 Nov 2011 20:09:37 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57800-cop-a-red-light/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57180-the-idiocy-of-government/ The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Democratic Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I am; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my collie.

Read more: The Idiocy of Government Work | Godfather Politics http://godfatherpolitics.com/643/the-idiocy-of-government-work/#ixzz1VsOidqht]]> Tue, 23 Aug 2011 18:05:19 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57180-the-idiocy-of-government/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/57118-a-bird-joke/
------

Rhonda got a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was naughty or rude. Rhonda tried everything to change the bird's manners. She would always say polite words, play soft music, anything to set a good example, but nothing worked.

Rhonda was getting very frustrated. She yelled at the bird, She shook the bird, and the bird got angrier and ruder.

One day, Rhonda felt so desperate she put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard squawking, kicking and screaming, then suddenly everything was quiet.

She was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door...

The parrot calmly stepped out on her arm and said: "I'm sorry if I've offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."

Rhonda was amazed at the great change in the bird and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"]]> Tue, 16 Aug 2011 02:06:34 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/57118-a-bird-joke/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/56750-joe-republican-on-teamsternet/ Click here to view Joe Republican on Teamster.net

Joe Republican

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. And fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised. All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It's noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression. Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe is home from work.

He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."]]> Fri, 08 Jul 2011 05:58:38 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/56750-joe-republican-on-teamsternet/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/56148-to-my-friend-who-enjoys-a-beer-and-those-who-dont/ As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom ,
In beer there is freedom ,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials ,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each
day ,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli ,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words , we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However , we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking beer & wine (or tequila , rum , whisky or other liquor) ,
Because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling , filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop , Beer = Health .
Therefore , it's better to drink beer and talk stupid ,
Than to drink water and be full of poo.]]> Wed, 27 Apr 2011 18:40:47 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/56148-to-my-friend-who-enjoys-a-beer-and-those-who-dont/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/54675-bones-seasons/ Bonesinspried me to start a career in forensic science. The bones are very stimulating and informative. This can be a heavy show, but it's quite funny and the characters are believeable. The characters are funny in their own way scienific! Temperance Brennan (Bones), the anthropologist, is very balanced and very analyitcal as casual Steeleye Booth. This series may surprise you to everyone! This season has been better than last year and I look forward to the beginning of season 3! Congratulations otherwise well done.
I've never been a fan of CSI-type shows, because he did not feel like it had enough personality. This diversity is always made to feel somehow a clue what they were talking about, because everything seemed so technical. But this movement is very different! The characters do not describe all this technical gibberish, but because the sign (Booth), starring David Boreanaz, everything is explained in simple terms as well. Also this show is very funny ... not to mention full of sexual tension that keeps you coming back for more, if Booth and Bones will never be together. I recommend anyone to show! It is not even really need to look at it from the beginning. Each episode can stand up for yourself and keep someone entertained!
True Blood DVD 1-3
James Bond DVD
The Office DVD 1-6
Bones DVD 1-5]]> Thu, 07 Oct 2010 09:46:07 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/54675-bones-seasons/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/54620-joke-day/

NOT THAT'S A FUCKIN JOKE !!!!!!!]]> Fri, 01 Oct 2010 01:08:10 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/54620-joke-day/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/53464-is-that-mule-for-sale/
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, ‘Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?’

‘Well,’ Jake replied, ‘The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ‘Is that mule for sale!?’]]> Sun, 02 May 2010 10:29:52 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/53464-is-that-mule-for-sale/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/53389-father-horndog/ He crosses the street to go home, and a car hits him !
He is seriously hurt, and a police officer arrives !
The officer asks him if he would like to see his priest before he dies !
The little boy says " This is no time to think of sex, you pervert ! ]]> Sat, 24 Apr 2010 01:07:04 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/53389-father-horndog/