Last 15 Posts to the Jokes Forums http://www.teamster.net/index.php Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:19:22 +0000 30 http://www.teamster.net/topic/52589-how-do-hide-fifty-bucks-from-a-mover/ ]]> Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:19:22 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/52589-how-do-hide-fifty-bucks-from-a-mover/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/52194-taser-gun/

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head thingyed to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipnuts,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!]]> Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:17:55 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/52194-taser-gun/ http://www.teamster.net/topic/51890-the-2009-darwin-awards/

---

The 2009 Darwin Awards!

And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: (San Jose Mercury News): An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: (Kalamazoo Gazette): James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something however and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.”

Nominee No. 3: (Hickory Daily Record): Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto): Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note: ????) members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird): Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs' investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario ): A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in his Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!: (Arkansas Democrat Gazette): Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles which will never operate again as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.]]> Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:56:21 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/topic/51890-the-2009-darwin-awards/ http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=51448 I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started...]]> Fri, 04 Sep 2009 18:31:36 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=51448 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=51248


Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking

lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a

ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and

coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25

years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better

phone up the City Council and get them to send a new

parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your

responsibility."


"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the

attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't

he?"

"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain

(presumably), is a man who had been taking the

parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per

day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7

days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million

($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.]]> Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:53:02 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=51248 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50767 > one!
>
>
>
>
> My 1 day employment.
>
> So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,a good
> find for many retirees,I lasted less than a
> day.......About two hours into my first day on the job a
> very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the
> store with her two kids,Yelling obscenities at them all
> the way through the entrance.As I had been instructed,
> I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to
> Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they
> twins?'The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to
> say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest
> one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell
> would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
> stupid?'So I replied, 'I'm neither blind
> nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
> slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for
> shopping at Wal-Mart.'My supervisor said I probably
> wasn't cut out for this line of work.]]> Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:42:11 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50767 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50590 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxtgLzi-aK0...feature=related]]> Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:43:05 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50590 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50466
Twenty-eight year old mechanic Sergey Tuganov reportedly accepted a $4,300 bet from two women who claimed he didn't have the stamina to endure an all-day sex session with them. Twelve hours and a whole bottle of Viagra later the dirty deed was done. Unfortunately, so was Mr. Tuganov.

According to Moscow police, the heroic grease monkey thrusted his last mere moments after winning his wager, the victim of a somewhat predictable heart attack. Suggested new health warning: "In the rare event of a Russian all-day Viagra orgy challenge, politely decline."

We think Sergey has definitely earned a place in our badass graves gallery.

http://www.asylum.com/2009/02/27/russian-m...oes-out-on-top/]]> Mon, 09 Mar 2009 01:44:15 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50466 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50357 “Is he really good?”
“He’s the best. This guy’s the best.” There can’t be this many “bests.” Someone’s graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is someone somewhere saying to their friend, “You should see my doctor, he’s the worst. He’s the absolute worst there is. Whatever you’ve got, it’ll be worse after you see him. The man’s an absolute butcher.”
And whenever a friend refers a doctor they say, “Make sure that you tell him that you know me.” Why? What’s the difference? He’s a doctor.
“Oh, you know Alex? Oh, okay, I’ll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I’m giving m & m’s.”


[SPAM URL REMOVED]]]> Wed, 18 Feb 2009 07:25:46 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50357 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50349 They are changing the name of the new Yankee Stadium to The House That Juice Built. Tue, 17 Feb 2009 11:56:49 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50349 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50340 celebrity come up with the 'Do you know who I am?'
routine?'

A woman called in and said that a few years a go,
while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings , MT ,
she had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does
not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes; many
ranchers and their wives were waiting.

Ted Turner and his ex-wife Jane Fonda came in the
restaurant and wanted a table. The hostess informed them
that they'd have to wait 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asked
the hostess, 'Do you know who I am?' The hostess
answered, 'Yes, but you'll have to wait 45
minutes.' Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When
the manager came out, he asked, 'May I help you?'
'Do you know who we are?' both Ted and Jane asked.
'Yes, but these folks have been waiting, and I can't
put you ahead of them.'

Then Ted asked to speak to the owner. The owner came
out, and Jane again asked, 'Do you know who I am?'
The owner answered, 'Yes, I do. Do you know who I am?
I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam
Veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead of my
friends and neighbors who have been waiting here, but you
also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any
other night. Good bye.'

Only in America , is this a great country or what?

To all who received this, this is a true story and
the name of the steak house is:

Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse, 204 W. Main ,
Manhattan , MT 59741 , (406) 284-6929

If you ever get there, give this fellow a sharp
salute, buy a steak, and tip the waitress. Keep passing
this on. We should never forget our national traitor!]]> Sun, 15 Feb 2009 16:20:52 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50340 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50302 Last month a man was found dead in Lake Michigan ! He was found wearing a Detroit Lions jersey, pink Spandex pants, and a black lace bra !
He also was holding a male blow up doll, and had a cucumber jammed up his ass !

The police removed the Detroit Lions jersey from the body to save his family any undue embaressment !!! ]]> Sat, 07 Feb 2009 17:01:52 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50302 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50030
The priest checks in, and says to the girl at the desk "I am a man of the cloth, I certainly hope that the PORN in my room is DISABLED "!

The girl says to the priest angrily " You SICK BASTARD ! We only show regular PORN here " !!! ]]> Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:39:17 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=50030 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=49634 http://ca.video.yahoo.com/watch/3854862/10518244]]> Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:06:48 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=49634 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=49549


If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.]]> Mon, 03 Nov 2008 06:00:15 +0000 http://www.teamster.net/index.php?showtopic=49549