TeamsterNet Jokes Forum

Bush Display Emotion When He Hears 3 Brazilian Soldiers Killed

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:18:43 -0500

Secretary of State Rice is giving president Bush his daily briefing. She concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Never Choke In A Restaurant In The South

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:48:34 -0500

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwhich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it is becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

A Man And His Ostrich

Fri, 8 Aug 2008 14:36:18 -0500

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Drunk Girl Flushes Head!

Mon, 4 Aug 2008 09:24:38 -0500

Instructions on how to add a youtube video to your TN post.

Illusion Hot Girl

Sun, 3 Aug 2008 08:47:09 -0500

Instructions on how to add a youtube video to your TN post.

Govermentium

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:37:44 -0500

A new addition to Chemistry's Periodic Table.
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into
contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally
take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many
morons.

Priceless

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 12:04:19 -0500

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Tennessee Gentleman are all working together one day

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Tennessean says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Tennessean sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

Memo: Cursing At Work

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:54:12 -0500

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing..

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn' t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that..
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Best Lawyer Story

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:46:10 -0500

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND
> PROBABLY THE CENTURY?
> >
> > A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
> expensive cigars, and then
> > insured them against, among other things, fire.
> Within a month, having
> > smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
> and without yet having
> > made even his first premium payment on the policy
> the lawyer filed a claim
>
> > against the insurance company. In his claim, the
> lawyer stated the cigars
> > were lost "in a series of small fires."
> >
> >
> >
> > The insurance company refused to pay, citing
> the obvious reason, that
>
> > the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal
> fashion.
> >
> ------------------------------
>
> >
> >
> > The lawyer sued and WON!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > (Stay with me.)
> >
> >
> >
> > Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with
> the insurance company
> > that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
> nevertheless, that the
> > lawyer held a policy from the company, which it
> had warranted that the
> > cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it
> would insure them
> > against fire, without defining what is considered
> to be unacceptable
> > "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather
> than endure lengthy and
> > costly appeal process, the insurance company
> accepted the ruling and paid
> > $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the cigars
> lost in the "fires".
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > After the lawyer cashed the check, the
> insurance company had him
> > arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own
> insurance claim and
> > testimony from the previous case being used
> against him, the lawyer was
> > convicted of intentionally burning his insured
> property and was sentenced
> > to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > This is a true story and was the First Place
> winner in the recent
> > Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ONLY IN AMERICA

Get Your Official George W. Bush Toilet Bowl Brush!

Tue, 8 Jul 2008 22:05:46 -0500

Fat Kid And Janise

Wed, 2 Jul 2008 11:55:21 -0500

Instructions on how to add a youtube video to your TN post.

Funniest Prank

Wed, 2 Jul 2008 11:49:09 -0500

Instructions on how to add a youtube video to your TN post.

Irish Ghost Story

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:32:01 -0500

Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door..only to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begg ing for his life. Then, just
before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the
hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!!!!'

Is The President Drinking Again

Mon, 2 Jun 2008 16:16:42 -0500

Instructions on how to add a youtube video to your TN post.

Not trying to be political I just thought this was pretty funny.

Man Falls Asleep At Church

Sat, 24 May 2008 09:27:38 -0500

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.